by Kayla Morgan

 

Emotions can be a powerful influence on our actions. They can shape our decisions, change how we view others, and cause ripple effects that alter the course of our lives and those around us. Because of this, learning how to manage our emotions is essential. But where do we start?

Psychologist Daniel Goleman found that Emotional Intelligence is the key to successful interpersonal communication. But what is Emotional Intelligence, and how can improving this skill help us communicate better?

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to perceive, express, and regulate emotions. Because of his extensive research, Goleman is often called the “Father of Emotional Intelligence.” He determined that Emotional Intelligence is made up of five key areas:

• Self-Awareness
• Self-Regulation
• Motivation
• Empathy
• Social Skills

With practice, we can develop these skills and improve our emotional Intelligence. Self-awareness and self-regulation are the first skills you must master. These skills are your foundation because until you are confident in your ability to understand your emotions and how they influence your decision-making, it will be challenging to understand the emotions of others.

Self-Awareness

When we experience intense emotions, letting them dictate our next move can be easy. However, by increasing your self-awareness, you can identify your emotions and understand how they influence your behavior. One of the easiest ways to increase self-awareness is through physical indicators and self-reflection. Do you notice that your heart starts pounding when you get upset? Or do your palms get sweaty every time you’re nervous? These physical indicators can give you clues on how you’re feeling.  While these indicators can vary by person, pay attention to them and determine which emotion they relate to for you.  

Here are a few physical indicators to look for:

• Changes in heart rate or breathing
• Sweaty or shaky hands
• Butterflies/Churning Stomach
• Trouble swallowing/lump in your throat

The next time you experience an intense emotion during a conversation, see if you notice any physical indicators, then listen to your inner voice – Is there a specific emotion attached?  Which physical indicators do you notice first? These physical clues can be the first sign that you’re starting to have an emotional response, and the sooner you learn to recognize them, the easier it will be for you to resist acting impulsively. With time and practice, you can increase your self-awareness and ensure you can identify an emotional response and begin trying to manage it.

Self-Regulation

Once you’ve mastered identifying your feelings quickly, you must decide what to do with them. That’s where self-regulation comes in. When it comes to your emotions, you have two choices: you can let them control you and influence your decisions, or you can self-regulate and keep them under control. This can be a tricky skill to master, but like self-awareness, you can develop it over time with practice. With self-regulation, it’s important to remember that managing your emotions doesn’t mean ignoring them. Instead, you want to acknowledge your emotions without letting them dictate your behavior. Resist acting impulsively. Allow your goals or values to guide your response instead of your emotions.

To better manage your emotional response, remember you have three options when reacting:

Approach: Approaching behaviors encourage a conversation to continue toward resolution. They are focused on cooperating, influencing, setting limits, and continuing dialogue.

Avoid: Avoidance behaviors discourage conversation. These behaviors are focused on ending the conversation and avoiding conflict. They typically include ignoring, dismissing, and withdrawing from it.

Attack: Attack behaviors can continue a conversation but can also be damaging. These behaviors may be demanding, dominating, and harmful to the resolution. 

Your subconscious and emotions may initially lead you toward one of these responses, but with increased self-awareness, you can regulate your emotions and remain in control of the situation.  Managing your emotions requires a multifaceted approach. You must simultaneously focus on developing your cognitive, emotional, and behavioral skills.

To improve these skills, you should focus on self-reflection, cognitive re-appraisal, and temporal distancing. By practicing self-reflection and mindfulness through activities such as focused breathing or journaling, we are encouraged to put space between our actions and emotions. This self-reflection can improve our understanding of how we react and why, allowing us to use cognitive re-appraisal methods to alter our thought patterns and temporal distancing to change our emotional response by reminding ourselves these feelings are only temporary.

As you improve your ability to self-regulate, you’ll improve your ability to:

• Calm yourself when upset
• Maintain open communication in tough situations
• Remain flexible and adapt
• View challenging conversations as opportunities 

Motivation

As you work toward increasing your self-awareness and improving your self-regulation skills, it’s crucial to maintain your motivation and not let temporary setbacks discourage you. There will still be times when you react emotionally and impulsively, but it’s essential to remind yourself that it’s part of the process and that learning these skills will take time. Maintaining your motivation is critical to inspiring change. Through consistent practice, you can alter your behavior and develop strategies that will help you not only understand your emotions but master them.

Empathy

Through self-awareness and self-regulation, you’ve learned to recognize your emotions, but can you identify them in others? Use the skills you’ve learned to help you perceive how others may feel. If you can recognize their emotions and then remind yourself what it would be like to be in their shoes, it will help you truly listen to them and respond with compassion. This display of empathy and understanding will help you work toward a common goal and positive outcome.

Social Skills

Understanding your emotions, self-regulation, and empathy towards others can help you navigate social settings more successfully, but the learning doesn’t end there. Use your daily interactions as a chance to develop your social skills.

• Ask questions
• Practice active listening
• Pay attention to body language

By continuing to show interest in others, you can better understand those around you and how their emotions influence their behaviors.  

As Malcolm Gladwell once said, “Emotions are contagious.”  The key to Emotional Intelligence isn’t just learning to control your emotions. It's about learning to understand them and then using what you’ve learned to create positive outcomes that help us gain a better understanding of ourselves and each other.